The source of emotional dependence is not love, but the lack of alternatives in our lives. The idea belongs to Anvar Bakirov, which he explains in the book NLP Games where women win. What do alternatives mean? It means to have a life rich in social events, personal activities that develop us and a communication with many interesting people. The alternatives help us to make the right choices, to our advantage - not only personally, but also professionally, says Anvar Bakirov.
In emotional life, the lack of alternatives means focusing on a person. To attribute the qualities that does not have and to attach ourselves to these qualities, to link our present and future to existence in our lives. This is how we become emotionally addicted and victims of manipulation.
Why victims of manipulation? Because we allow the person we are emotionally attached to have power over us. He has us in his hand and manages us like puppets.
According to Anvar Bakirov, in the absence of alternatives, we accept all the conditions imposed on us. Thus, we immediately lose the trait that makes us attractive and interesting - to be deficient for those around us. In general, people - good or bad - do not value what is accessible and easy to replace, they are not afraid to lose what they can easily find. Therefore, in the state of emotional dependence we live and tolerate unlove, disrespect, betrayal, violence, mockery - everything that hurts us.
So what can we do? How do we detach emotionally and avoid such unhealthy experiences in the future? Here is what Anvar Bakirov proposes:
The first step is to apply the technique of emotional detachment. We visualize the emotional attachment and formulate what it looks like: like a rope, a ray of sunshine, a flow of energy? Then we imagine how we are united with the person we are emotionally attached to and visually break the connection.
We will experience an unpleasant sensation, the feeling that we have lost something as a result of this rupture. Do we have to find out what this thing is, what resources will we no longer receive from that person? Careful? Feeling we have 'Run out of gas' emotionally? That someone needs us? That the presence of this person in our lives fills our loneliness? That he/she is beautiful? Does he have goods we don't have? Later, we imagine that these qualities, to which we have attached, belong to us. Visually we put our new image (formed from the qualities of the person we are attached to) next to the image of that person and break the connection between them. Immediately, we create a connection between us (with that imaginary rope) and our new image and visualize how we feel about our new qualities, taken from the person we are emotionally dependent on. The technique must be done daily.
Simultaneously with the technique of emotional detachment, we engage in new activities that will help us grow professionally or develop personally: participating in trainings or workshops, studying a foreign language, practicing sports, attending places where we can recreate and physically recover, and emotional - any activity that causes us pleasure and helps us develop new skills. Being preoccupied with the new way of life, we will not have time to think about the person we are emotionally attached to.
Remember: when we always think of a person - we become emotionally attached, when we don't think - we forget. The new activities are a source of alternatives, which will ensure our spiritual comfort, will help us to cultivate self-confidence and to immediately refuse an interaction that does not satisfy us. Aware that we have alternatives for communication, to have a good time, to feel good about ourselves and those around us, we do not focus all our attention on a person and we do not disappoint if we are not accepted. Another measure we need to take, in addition to the technique of emotional detachment and finding alternatives is to cultivate self-love.